Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
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We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.