Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
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I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Breaking news:
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.