Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
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“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
blocked.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?