Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
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Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.