Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
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I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Generation gap…
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
But wait…
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.