I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
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Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.