DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
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Money is the root of all wealth
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.