Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
You Might Also Like
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
We decided to have money instead of children.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.