Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
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Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.