While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
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If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.