*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
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ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
jesus, what did this guy do
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage