Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
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Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”