Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
You Might Also Like
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Bros before Ohioes
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please