Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
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If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief