Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
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Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel