Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
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[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?