My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
You Might Also Like
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics