“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
You Might Also Like
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Canadian owl: Eh?
I only eat vegetarians.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Finally!
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*