Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
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Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Oh the world we live in…
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence