I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
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I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.