You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
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Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.