A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
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Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
#parenting
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.