If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
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I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I’m tired tomorrow.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am