when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
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She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.