Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
You Might Also Like
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Breaking news:
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.