Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
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{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
FINE, I WON’T.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.