Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
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I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years