If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
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Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?