By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
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Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
selena gomez
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*