Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
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can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.