When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
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Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
WTF
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.