You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
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[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.