For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
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*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing