Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
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I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate