Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
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Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here