I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
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*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Shower sex be like:
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
eggs benadryl
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.