Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
You Might Also Like
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
You can’t outrun your problems…
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack