me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
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Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos