In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
You Might Also Like
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER