I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
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ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Ion see the issue
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Warm pools make me nervous.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.