[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
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I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
This came to me in a dream.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks