I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
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Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn