NASA has no chill
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Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
*ernest hemingway voice*
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising