I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
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I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better