You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
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HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.