I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
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Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”