Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
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Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about