Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.