In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
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me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Does your wife know you’re single?
When your parents check you’re ok.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will