What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
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putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
found my next D&D character name
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE